.

What picture are you talking about?
The picture you drew for me/of me was left unfinished —
Just like us, never to be finished, probably never meant to be started.

The little things I appreciated have gone. The only victories I had.
From the simple good mornings to the long good nights.
From the conversations we’d have on your way to work and when you head home.
I liked those. They made me feel special, important even.

Now I just feel like I’m a chore.
Why did we have to reconnect and share a few hours together?
You asked me if i get attached too quickly, you know the answer to that. I know you don’t.

You told me I notice everything. I do.
In a messy situation like this, every little thing matters, I think. Apologies.
I’ve been holding on to my tongue since you don’t like me asking questions.
It’s been difficult, but for you, I’ll do it with a smile on my face.

I wish I knew how to stop giving. How to stop caring. I don’t.
I’ll just take whatever you can give and you know this so well by now. I can actually feel you enjoying the attention, the care.
I wish I didn’t long for the same thing coming from you. But I do.

So right now, the picture you promised to paint is empty. The same empty promise you said wouldn’t happen.
It makes me think, is there someone new? Or are you just done?

 

J

I’d Like to Paint You a picture

Please don’t go. Please don’t. Please.

I may not say a lot of thing of about how I feel. Or how you make me feel, but deep inside of me there is a picture of you that I’d like to paint. I want you to wander with me in the dark side of the abyss. I want you to hold my hand when I am incomplete to even appreciate that I exist.  I want you to stay.

I want to experience cracking dawns with you or simply wait for midnight. I need to  know your deepest thoughts about the deepest part of you. I want to hear you speak about everything and anything in between nothings. I want to know you more. I would love that. Even if it would mean, that I would have to escape from reality. I would still want that.

There is so much at risk. There is so much to gamble. But give me time and I will show you I could. And I would.

Please don’t let me  paint a rosy picture of empty promises. Hence, have faith with fate itself. We are here for a reason. It may not be sex, nor kisses, nor love. It maybe stronger than love itself. It maybe aligned for a cause.We are intertwined for a purpose.

M

Question.

Why should I even stay when you don’t even know how far you wanna go? When you don’t even want to crawl deeper into this abyss called us. When you don’t even know where you want me to stand in your life.

My walls have long gone but yours remain. They’ll probably stay up unless you allow me in. You  need to choose to let me in, to bring down your walls and slowly but surely welcome me. But I’m not sure you want to.

Is there even a reason for me to stay?😦

J

Ang lungkot pala

Sana pwede. Dalawang salita na paborito ko. Lahat ng imposible, pwede. Sa mundong sana pwede, di ko na kailangan magtago at sigurado akong pwede ang tayo.

Hindi na ako matatakot buksan ang buhay kong walang entrance fee. Di na ako kakabahan sa tuwing may tanong ka kahit physics pa yan o chemistry. Hindi na ako tatahimik kapag may hirit kang may lalim.

Di na ako magiisip kung ikaw ba ay makikitang nakakasakit ng damdamin. At hindi ko na rin kailangang umilag o umamin. Pwede na kitang lapitan at hawakan, at hanggang bukas samahan.

Andami ko pang gusto maranasan na kasama ka. Pero ang lungkot pala. Kapag nasasampal ka ng tadhana. Sa mundong sana pwede… ikaw ang magmamayari.

Pero sa mundo kong ito. Andaming hindi pwede. Gusto kitang itakas kahit na alam kong bawal.

M

Walang K

Gusto kitang alagaan, lalo na ngayon na masama ang pakiramdam.
Gusto kitang puntahan at yakapin ng ubod ng higpit.
Gusto kitang supportahan, sa lahat ng gawain, lahat ng gusto pang gawin at lahat ng pangarap.
Pero wala akong karapatan.

Nasasaktan ako sa ibang nakikita.
Nalulungkot dahil sa mga nababasa.
Nasasabik at gusto ka na makasama.
Di naman pwedeng mag reklamo dahil wala akong karapatan.

Natatakot ako sa kung anong pwedeng mangyari- baka isang araw magising na lang at ayaw mo na pala.
Natatakot na mas mahalaga ka sakin kesa ako sayo.
Nakakatakot sa bilis ng mga pangyayari at lalim ng pagtingin.
Pero di ko naman mabanggit dahil wala akong karapatan.

Madami pang mga katanungan, madami pang gustong sabihin at hinging mga sagot
Pero tatahimik na lang dahil wala akong karapatan.
May mga damdaming kikimkimin na lamang.
Dahil wala akong karapatan.

Wala ngang time machine.
Walang mababago sa noon.
Ang ngayon naman ay hindi rin talaga akin.
Pero kukunin ko na rin dahil di naman ako makahingi ng iba pang panahon dahil wala akong karapatan.

Gusto kong sabihing akin ka na lang pero ayon, wala nga akong karapatan.

J

Time Machine

Sana… totoo ang time machine. Sana pwedeng balikan ang noon, sana pwedeng baguhin ang ngayon. 

Paano kaya kung nagkita tayo noon? Magclick din kaya tayo? Tulad ngayon?

Sana totoo ang time machine. Para pwede kong bawiin ang bawat sakit, na dulot ng ngayon. Sana pwede kong baguhin ang pagkakaayos ng rason. Sana totoo ang time machine.

Pero hindi totoo ang time machine. Hindi ko na pwedeng baguhin kung ano ang meron sa ngayon. Hindi kita nakita kahapon dahil yun ay hindi pa naayon. 

Sa lahat ng imposible. Eto lang ang totoo, nakilala kita ngayon. At ngayon…sa ngayon lang tayo mabuhay. Sa ngayon mo muna ako ilagay. 

Sa ngayon. Dito. May tayo. 

M

Tayo.

Tayo?
Gustong gusto kong oo.

Pero hindi.
Hindi pwede.
Dahil sa mga desisyon noon hanggang sa ngayon.
Dahil hindi pinagtagpo ng pagkakataong pwede pa sana.

Dahil sa totoo lang, masaya ka naman kung nasaan ka.
Dahil safe at kumportable ka na.
Dahil yun din naman ang tama.
Dahil sa pila hindi ako ang nauna.

Pero gustong gusto ko talaga.
Masaya bawat oras na kausap ka.
Hinahanap hanap na kita.
Tama ka, maayos na magulo. Yan tayo.

Sapat na rin naman kung ano man to.
Nakakahong damdamin tulad ng sabi mo.
Pero pakatandaan at lagi mong isipin-
Gustong gusto ko.

J